In the process of constructing identities, I believe there are certain SEE's that occur within your life which shape or reshape your identity, your direction, your thinking and even possibly the outcome of a path that was already pre-destined for you. Over the years I have thought a lot about what shaped the identity of "me" and in class this past week, in discussing Dr. Crafton's first chapter in her book, it made me bring those thoughts and images to the forefront again.
I have had several SEE's in my life, but none probably as life-changing as in February 1978. I had graduated high-school early in order to get a jump on college - academia nut that I was, I had scholarships to help and I was going to be the FIRST child in my family's history to go to college and finish! My parents were proud and I was determined. 30 days after beginning my Freshman year, I discovered that I was pregnant - something that my older boyfriend and I had not planned on. 60 days later we "did the right thing" and exchanged vows, much to the dismay of my father, and my first semester of school became my only semester of school. My young husband was jealous of my continuing education and I was forced to leave school. Then after the baby was born, he was jealous of her too, so I was forced to leave him as well. At 21, I had a 2-year-old daughter to support, with no formal education and nothing promising on the horizon.
My "friends" were all in school and telling me "there is no hope for you now - a single mom with no schooling, poor Robin, you really aren't going to amount to anything." My family was supportive, but they did not know how to help. I had always been a strong, confident young girl and woman, thanks to my upbringing with two solid parents (that have now been married 54 years), yet this SEE brought out new characteristics I did not know I possessed - my determination to succeed became fierce, my acceptance of responsibility went to an all time high, and my drive for knowledge (wherever it could come from) kicked in to high gear. This moment of time in my life, this SEE, shaped and molded me into someone I am not sure I would have been without it.
I did beat the odds. According to 2009 Heritage Foundation data, Thirty-seven percent of families led by single mothers nationwide
live in poverty. Comparatively, only 6.8 percent of families with
married parents live in poverty and Single Parent Success Foundation statistics are;
• 63 percent of suicides nationwide are individuals from single-parent families.
• 75 percent of children in chemical dependency hospitals are from single-parent families.
• More than half of all youths incarcerated in the U.S. lived in one-parent families as a child.
In reading Dr. Crafton's chapter, there is a line that reads, " I once heard someone say that his childhood was just bad enough to make him successful..." I too, wonder, had I not been pregnant at 18, alone at 21, would I have strived as hard for - and achieved - success? OR why did I not choose to go down the path of feeling sorry for myself, sign on for welfare, work an hourly job and let the government take care of my daughter and I? If I had been able to finish college, would I really have valued it as much as I do today - for myself, not for others?
I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but they are questions I pull out from time to time and mull over - usually right after another Significant Emotional Experience.
Robin, this is a great blog. Although I believe that the world has a huge influence on the way it socially constructs us, but that influence cannot even compare to the power that we posses inside us. You were strong enough to know when to leave a failing marriage, you were strong enough to raise a child on your own and you were strong enough to disregard the negative comments that your "friends" were trying to drag you down with.
ReplyDeleteSignificant Emotional Experiences can either tear a person apart or motivate them to succeed. I am happy you FORCED yourself to succeed, when the world made it much easier for you to fail. As a strong woman, you were a great example to your daughter who will continue the tradition of being an example of a great woman. We need to change the images that are socially constructed for women in our society, and leading by example is one of the most effective ways that will get us there!!! Thank you for being a great example!
Jehona, thank you for the kind response! I did FORCE myself to succeed, that is true. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter, who had to endure most of this, resented Mom being gone all of the time for work and for moving her to beautiful cities so that she could have a nice life. I wish she had realized what I did sacrifice and how hard it was - but C'est la vie!
DeleteRobin,
ReplyDeleteI, too, wonder about my own strength and success -- such interesting and complicated questions about who we become.
I am reading a book called How Children Succeed and it is a fascinating look at research regarding the development of things like perseverance, efficacy, and other traits I'm not remembering right now. The research has been done on children living in poverty -- those who encounter crises on a regular basis in their lives. It turns out that the ways their parents, usually a mom, responds to the crisis makes all the difference in the world! In fact, they even discuss how ones' DNA is restructured based on these early interactions around crisis situations. I know I'm not doing this justice but I think you would be fascinated by the work -- I can give you the complete reference if you want. So, of course, it makes me wonder about you and me -- we can't always remember the responses we were given during times of crisis -- sometimes they are small displays of love or emotional support that allow us to dig in and develop parts of ourselves that might remain dormant.